Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
