You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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