Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
