Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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