Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
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I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
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so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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