Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
