I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
