he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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