Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
