Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
