I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
