your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
