if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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