Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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