Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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