Me. At least after what I've been through.
The best revenge is premature balding
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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