Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
