At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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