I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
