I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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