at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
