I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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