What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
