apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
