STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
