I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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