Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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