Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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