Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
