I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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