She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
