you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
