My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
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