dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm too high and old for this...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
