I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
