I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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