I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
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