I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
