I showed him my bush... on skype.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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