just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
