I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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