Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
