I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The Olympian is in my bed
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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