sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
