Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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