I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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