if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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