I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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