i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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