I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
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Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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