I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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