i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
