where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
