remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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