You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
