theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
